Monthly Archives: April 2009
April Showers Brings May Flowers
I normally really love May. It’s my birthday month. It’s springtime. It’s my time.
I’m going to get out of this funk, some way some how. I will not become the Janet I was a few months ago. I’m better than that.
What does one think of during the last days before their birthday? The last year of course. Thankfully I have this blog to use to go back.
First and foremost, Health. Thank God that I have good health and so do my boys. Besides a nasty bout of flu that had me in bed and the boys eating pizza for four nights, we have been really healthy. I’m very grateful for that. I know many families with children and the parents themselves severely and even terminally ill. I am blessed with three (over ornery) healthy boys. Very destructive boys might I add.
My job. Thankfully last year I was able to get my RN degree and am in a position where I can work two to three days a week and support my boys, and not have to put any of them in daycare. I do love my job, and hope to start in a Masters program within the next year.
Really, anything else, who cares? I have a nice car, a good house, but do those things really matter? I guess it’s a privilege to have them, but they are not needed. I am thankful to have them though.
Of course the big news is my divorce, which is still going on (arguing over child stuff). It sucks, but I’m over it. He’s moved on, I’ve moved on. It just needs to end. It really does.
I’ll reflect more over the year and my birthday (because remember, May is all about ME).
And my Birthday is May 24th. I never get flowers (it’s been 8 years?), love shoes (size 9.5), and large gaudy bags. Jewelry is nice too. Oh, and maid service. 
A Dream Within A Dream
A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow–
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow–
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand–
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep–while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Delete
I have deleted all your pictures, text messages, emails, phone numbers and whatever else
I have from my phone and computer. Out of sight, out of mind.
ETA: It doesn’t work. You are on my mind always.
Words
Words
Cannot describe how you made me feel
Cannot paint our passion out on canvas
Cannot voice the way my heart soars when I hear your voice
Cannot illustrate the way my face smiles when I see your face
Cannot explain the depth of my feelings for you
Cannot expound upon the hope you have instilled in me
Cannot justify our actions
Cannot depict the emptiness I have without you
Cannot show how I’ve laid in bed all day crying
Cannot recount the number of times I’ve looked at my phone, waiting
Cannot display my sorrow for losing you
Cannot depict the hope that I have for your happiness, however that may be
Can heal me, slowly through time
I miss
i miss
being a wife
having someone to ask me how my day was
having a family meal
snuggling
laying in bed with someone that loves me
holding hands
hugging
little calls throughout the day
date night
family drives
going to bed with someone
waking up next to someone
kisses throughout the day
private jokes
i love yous
being held
asking what someone want for dinner
I hate being alone. Even with a ton of friends, I still feel lonely.
My Never Ending Drahhhhmaaaa
So in a quest to get Starbucks, we were sitting at a light, rain pouring out of the sky, and I was answering questions from my kids on why some clouds make rain and why some don’t, all the while deep in thought about divorce and custody crap.
What do I do? I see the cars in the left turn lane drive out of my peripheral vision and I let go of the brake, rolling into the car in front of me! GRRRR. I didn’t see damage on their car, but the officer said that I popped their tail light and bumper, and maybe scratched my car. GRRR. Now I have a court date and a ticket for driving to closely!!!!
p.ily
Chocolate Gravy, Not Just For Biscuits, Part 2
So apparently I was full of shit. And then I get a call that I have an abnormal pap smear. Great. Doc J wants to see me for a biopsy, wooohoooo. I get to get naked again! I get to sit an a freezing cold room, with a beautiful colored plum half sheet across my lap, a warm heat lamp on my goodies!
So once again, I go in. I was smart this time. First, I was smart enough not to damage poor Timmy’s innocence by bringing him with me again, thankfully Mike was able to take off work and watch him. Second, I wore a dress, hehe. All I must do it take of my panties, no undressing needed! Wow, I’m BRRRRRILLLANT! Doc comes in and sets up, tells me he wants to take a look and see what he finds. He will insert the wonderful giant ice cold metal clamp into me, swab me with vinegar (why am I imagining a vagina salad??) and thus any abnormal cells will turn white. I call it vagina paint by numbers, well without the number part. How about vagina bite by color? Ok, yes, I know that it’s not my vagina he’s checking out (gosh, I hope not, eww), but rather my cervix, but alas not all readers may know they are equipped with a cervix (uh, if you have a dick, then you do NOT have this piece, so do not rush to your local clinic to have your cervix checked out), since it is not so readily available.
This is me waiting, with the pretty plum colored sheet across my lap, don’t I look THRILLED?
Anyhow, I get swabbed and crap! Vinegar burns! He tells me to relax and spread my legs open more, yeah I know, the one time in my life I do keep them closed! He informs me he is going to take some little “BITES” and send them off. BITES my ASS. Imagine someone taking a pair of nail clippers to a delicate part of your body (inside your cheek, your nuts, your cervix, get it?) and clipping! FRACK! It hurts! And the deeper he goes, the less he can see, despite the use of the colposcope (a microscope made for vaginas), the more the bite hurts! Finally after getting samples he is done.
Doc says, “Try not to stick anyone or anything up in there for a few days.” Geez Doc, I’ll try not to, but ya’know, when I run I tend to fall on things and they end up in there! Gosh!
It takes about a week for the samples to be processed, and I hate waiting!
I already know the results and there will be a part 3, stay tuned . . .
