Me

Soooo, what’s up with me?

Nothing.

The End.

Ok, ok.  I kid.  I start school today too!  I’m taking chemistry, ugh.  But it brings me closer to starting the RN-MSN program (Masters degree!) this January.   I’m excited!

Still not divorced, yeah, don’t ask.

Not dating, or going out much!   Just waiting for that someone special to be in my life!   Although I have a date with some awesome gals tonight for some wings, beer, and karoke!

What else?  I work, play Mommy, housekeeper, taxi driver, chef, and all that.  That’s my life in a nutshell!

 

I. Need. Shoes. Stat!!!

 

I have a massive urge to get a new pair of hot high heels!  If any of you want to help, I wear a size 9.5 (yeah, big feet).  I love crazy shoes!  Thanks!

I feel like in the last couple of weeks that I’ve calmed down.  I got that wild streak out of me that I’ve been doing for the last few months.  Don’t think I still don’t want to go out and have fun, cause, well if you KNOW me, I love having a blast and laughing.  But sometimes laying on your kitchen floor and laughing with your best friend is just even more fun that going out!

I know what I want in life, for my boys, for me personally as career goals, love life needs, and who I want to be, and what kind of person I want to be with.  And I won’t settle for less.  I deserve it.  I sure damn do.  And I’ll wait forever until I can get what I want!  (hello spoiled brat!)

My boys have been horrible lately.  I guess the divorce is effecting (affecting?) them, and they are showing out because of it.  I had Don put locks on my pantry door so they stop getting all the food out.  Yeah, like dumping a box of pancake mix, squeezing out all the jelly, eating all the cereal, etc .  They already cost me a bundle in groceries, but when I keep having to re-buy everything, then that adds up! 

I really reached a low point this week with them, I had to call friends to come over and help, and thankfully they rushed right over (love ya Heather and Don!) to help.  I guess I’ll go to the book store and find a parenting/divorce book for some advice.  Do any of you have any advice?  I’ll take all that I can get!

Never found my stolen stuff, except the boating tube was in the field next to me, but that’s not mine, so I really don’t care about that.  I had someone come out and mow my yard, and it looks so much nicer.  I may have him come out and do the back and trim up some more stuff this week, since I don’t have the tools to do it now.  Although I did buy a weedeater!  And a drill!  LOL!

I really want to go see my family, I’m hoping they’ll meet me in Omaha or Witchita again, it makes it easier to drive 8 hours rather than 19!!!

Other than that, I’ve been doing ok.  Have had some dissappointments, but am keeping my head up and heart full of hope.  That’s all I can do. 

 

Wednesday

 

It’s HUMP day!

I’m having a bad morning so far.  And a not so great last week or so.  Darren and I are no longer seeing one another, on his request.  It really hurt my feelings, more than I expected.  So I’ve been dealing with that.  I’m really tired of being hurt.  Tired of putting myself out there and being shut down.  Really tired of it.

I’ve had the boys all day, pretty much everyday, which has been hard.  They are constantly in my things.  I have a cedar chest my uncle made me for high school graduation, and they got into it and made a mess.  It’s full of stuff from my childhood, high school, the boys’ baby stuff.  Lots of my little trinkets and stuff are torn up.  It’s silly I know, but those things are a part of me, and it really made me mad.

I really don’t have much to say, I’m trying to stay out of a funk/depression type mood, but it’s hard.  I’ve been out to run a few times, which helps, mainly because I focus on not getting hit by cars rather than all the other things in my life.

Last night I posted a bunch of old pics from church camps and youth rallies from the 1990s (on facebook), and it was fun laughing at them and our clothing attire with old friends.

I have a $250 water bill!  ACK!  Which mine is normally around $40.  And even during this month period, we were camping for a week!  So the water peeps are coming out to see if there is a leak, and if so, I have to pay to fix it.  So I either have to fix a leak, or pay the bill.  Nice, real nice.

I still have to get a new lawn mower, I now officially live in a jungle.  UGH.

Maybe I really should move out of this house and let him have it.  Every month I keep having to put money out for stuff.  And I have an entire list of things that need to be done (weatherstripping on the door, paint, etc), but can’t afford to do it because I’m having to get a new water heater, or a lawn mower.  UGH.

Mike is coming to get the boys, so I actually get a “day” off.  Wow.  I’m going to see my dear friend Chastity, who was in a bad accident, spent a few days in ICU.  She has a long road to recovery still.  Please pray for her and her family.  Heather and I are going to Target and who knows what tonight.

I’m wanting to take the boys to the beach in August, before school starts.  I’ve been looking at places to stay in gulf shores, destin, etc.  Any suggestions?

I’m off to try to make my day better!  I forsee it starting with a starbucks!

 

Mother’s Day (Weekend)

The plan for the weekend is that I was going to work my normal Saturday and Sunday night, and Mike would take the boys on Sunday to see his Mom in Louisiana.  So the boys and I spread out our Mother’s day.

 

Friday after school the boys excitedly gave me their gifts from school.  Zachary gave me a potted plant, which he painted a lovely purple color.  But of course, by the time we made it home, the plant itself had been pulled out of the pot and thrown at me in the front seat.  Nice!  Brennen brought home a lovely cook book, recipes gathered by the first graders in their class.  Each child gave the recipe and directions on how to make their favorite dish their Mother makes for them.  Here’s Brennen’s:

Brennen’s Mom

Vegetable Soup

Cut up potato, onion, green beans, corn and peas

Put these in a pan

Add water and 2 cans of soup

Cook it for 12 hours

Put it in a bowl and eat

Now, let me tell you, I don’t know when I last actually made soup, but I know it’s been several years.  And I want to you know that I carefully and lovingly cut up each and every little green pea by hand.  Here are two others I liked:

Jed’s Mom

Green Beans with Cheese Inside

Get a can of green beans

Open the can

Put yellow cheese inside green bean

Warm it up by pressing Start 1 Time

I bet Jed’s Mother uses as much love as I do as she adds cheese to the inside of each green bean.

Seth’s Mom

Spaghetti and Noodles

Put water in a pan

Add 1 cup sugar

Cook it for 451 minutes

Add the spaghetti

Put noodles on the side of it

Put tiny green stuff

Put ice in a cup to cool it down

451 minutes?  Wow.  And I’m still trying to figure out how putting ice in a cup fits into all of this.

Kids are so funny!

So Friday night I decided to take the boys to the fairgrounds where they had a carnival and a derby.  For those of you who don’t know what a derby is (I didn’t until I moved down South), it’s a bunch of cars that chase one another around and ram into each other until there is only one car left.  I guess it’s really called a demolition derby, but whatever.  I had asked Heather’s sister about the time it started, which is said 7pm.  My friend Darren came with us, and after we ate some way over priced garbage, we sat in the very empty stadium about 6:50 pm.  Yeah, the damn show didn’t start until 7:30.  No problem, except for the impatient 3, 5, and 7 year old with us.  After waiting about 10 minutes, they wanted to go.  I prefer my boys to sit and behave, but they prefer to run up and down the stairs, roll on the dirty seats, and climb the railings.  Grrr.  Finally the show started and because of the long wait, the boys wanted to go after the first heat.  But I made them see all four heats.

Then we went and rode the rides.  Holy crap.  Tickets were a dollar each and the rides were 3 tickets.  So it was $9 for each ride for us!  Ouch!  Needless to say, we didn’t ride many rides.  After a dinner at Applebee’s we went home and the boys’ passed out!

 

Saturday the boys “took” me to the movies in Benton.  I thought the bigger theater would be cool for them, uh no.  The stairs going up and down the rows were cool, grrr.  We saw Monsters VS Aliens, but only in 2D and not the advertised 3D, which as a disappointment.  I think the boys would have enjoyed it more.  Instead I spent most of my time chasing Timmy up and down the stairs and convincing the other two not to move their booster seats over and over again!

After a nasty fight Saturday night with Mike (yeah, I had his divorce papers served), I ended up having to work, as my wonderful bosses said to take the night off.  So I drove like a speed demon to Little Rock, caught a show at the Looney Bin with Heather and Lisa.  It was Lisa’s bachelorette party, they already had the passion party, then the comedy club, and then a night out on the Riverfront.   But Heather and I came back to town, and went to her Mom’s house.  Don, Darren, her Mom, Dylan, Mason (Heather’s brother) hung out, drank some hunch punch (google it), beer and some even bubbled up the jager.  We hung out in the hot tub and had a blast.   I won’t tell you who, but one of us got itchy, eyes all puffy, chewed up some benedryl and then passed out.  After some good sternal rubbing and nail bed pressing, they woke up.  lol, of course they don’t remember it.  And duh, it’s not me, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to tell you about it.

Sunday, Darren took me out on his 4 wheeler.  It was cold, wet, and not too muddy.  At one point we had to go over a creek, but there was a huge branch in the way.  Darren got off and pulled the limb back and told me to drive the 4 wheeler through the water and up the hill.  Uh no.  Major freak out.  Mind you, he had just got this thing, and if you know me, my driving skills aren’t so good.  That and I don’t know how to drive them!  He instructed me  on moving the gear shift thingy to “H” and then gas it.  Umm, where is the gas.  Oh the thumb thing on the right.  Got it.  I gunned it up the freaking hill, and damn it.  He didn’t tell me how to stop!  lmao, so I let go and put my hands in the air, and yelled , “how do you stop this thing!”  LMAO.  Yes, I now know how.  Geesh.  Of course he has told Don and Heather and the teasing doesn’t stop.  Darren made me a delicious homemade pizza, in which he buried his pieces in ranch dressing (ODD)!

That night I had to work.  It was a good night.  But I was sad that my ex didn’t have my kids call me and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day.  Oh well.

Next post, how I went to Jail on Monday Morning . . . .

 

Words

Words

Cannot describe how you made me feel

Cannot paint our passion out on canvas

Cannot voice the way my heart soars when I hear your voice

Cannot illustrate the way my face smiles when I see your face

Cannot explain the depth of my feelings for you

Cannot expound upon the hope you have instilled in me

Cannot justify our actions

Cannot depict the emptiness I have without you

Cannot show how I’ve laid in bed all day crying

Cannot recount the number of times I’ve looked at my phone, waiting

Cannot display my sorrow for losing you

Cannot depict the hope that I have for your happiness, however that may be

Can heal me, slowly through time

 

 

I miss

i miss

 being a wife

having someone to ask me how my day was

having a family meal

snuggling

laying in bed with someone that loves me

holding hands

hugging

little calls throughout the day

date night

family drives

going to bed with someone

waking up next to someone

kisses throughout the day

private jokes

i love yous

being held

asking what someone want for dinner

I hate being alone.  Even with a ton of friends, I still feel lonely.

 

Hrmpfft

I don’t think we’ll be having dinner this year.

But, it was fun too look at other posts from last March.

Like THIS ONE

And HERE, wow times have changed!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE being at home with the boys!

LMAO, I forgot about the drama with this one!

I know these are from April 2008, but I love them.  Zachary and Spring

 

I hate the snow

 

This is my first visit to Western Nebraska since October 2004.  I’ve seen my Parents and sister Ashley several times over the years, either meeting in Wichita or they came to see me.  It was hard to get away while I was in school, and harder to travel with three boys.

I’ve been blessed with a job that I am now able to take off for a week and really not miss work, so of course I decided that spring break would be a good time to go visit.

Since my separation and pending divorce, people have asked me several times if I am going to move back home.  I don’t know, and still don’t know.

As I was leaving Hot Springs, and driving up highway 270, I found a peacefulness in the hills and curvy roads, they endless trees and small towns.   I thought, this is my home now.

I love living in Hot Springs.  I love my house.  There are 4 houses on our street, the three on the lake and mine.  It’s small, needs some work, but I love it.  The boys can play outside and for the most part don’t have to worry about traffic.  But believe me, those that speed down my road get an earful from me.  The landscapers and other service people for the homes at the end of the road know not to race down our road.  One of the homes at the end have security come through several times a day.  We have a great spot on the lake for our boat, a dock we can go hang out on.

The boys love their school.  We were blessed to be able to get an affordable home in one of the best school districts around.  The teachers and staff have been wonderful in all aspects of Brennens and Zacharys time there.    Go RAMS!

I love my job.  I’ve been around enough to know that no matter where you work, there will be bad things and good things.   There will be great people and bad people to work with.  You just need to know how to deal with them.  Thankfully in all my years of  management training and advance training, I learned how to deal with people and not let it bother me.  I am blessed to have a job, where I only work 2 days a week and can support my family.   I also am able to pick up extra shifts if I need to.  I float in the hospital, so I am able to learn many things and advance all my skills.  I really truly love it.  And most of the time, I really enjoy everyone I work with, they all have great aspects to them.  Most important, I have made wonderful friends there who have been so supportive to me during the last year.  Heather, Karen, LindsEy, Francesca, Heather, Wendy, Carissa, Megan, and many others.  I love you all!

I love the seasons in Hot Springs.  I don’t care for the winter, it’s cold and gray.  But the rest of the year is fantastic!  I love the lake, it’s so beautiful.  We are blessed with wonderful scenery.  I know there are many places I have not seen, and intend to visit many this summer.

I’ve learned that I feel good after I workout, and have started to enjoy running.  Granted, I can’t go very far without my legs and lungs feeling like they are on fire.  But we are working on that.  I’m going to buy a bike and a bike rack here soon, so the boys and I can take advantage of the many biking areas.

Scottsbluff.  It’s a great place to raise young kids.  A small close knit town.  As I drove through, I noticed not much has changed.  Many of the businesses have the same signage they did years ago.  Some buildings have a fresh coat of paint, or have been changed into a totally different business.  But it’s all the same.  The speed limit on all the roads is 25 mph.  Yes, that kills me.

It’s been wonderful to see my family.  I haven’t seen Stephanie or Josh since 2004.  Stephanie is still with her boyfriend Doyle, who I only spoke with once years ago, to chew his ass out for dating my sister.  We’ve made amends, and I see that my sister is happy and he takes good care of her.  That’s all I care about.  They are expecting a baby boy in May.  I’m so excited for them!

Josh is still Josh.  Works for my Dad.  We have had a great time together.  I don’t think he realized how cool his big Sis was!   He is great with the boys, and they absolutely love him!  He has two dogs, Cashmere and Domino, that he has trained like little children.  It’s too cute!

Ashley, well is Ashley.  She is loud like me, sarcastic like me, and a goof like me.  How is the world handling two of us?  She is still in school and still dating Chris, who adores her.  The WNCC Cougars didn’t make it to the basketball finals this year.  Hopefully she’ll get to go next year!

My Mom and Dad are still the same.  I love them both and they have been so supportive of me.

The boys cry for their Dad at night.  When we are at home, they ask for their Dad during the week and I can drive them over to his work so see him.  They don’t understand how far away we are from him and we can’t just drive over to see him.  That’s been hard for me here.  I don’t want to deprive them of anything, much less their Dad.

I won’t make an official decision on moving until closer to the end of my divorce.  I need to focus on my Kids right now.  But there are many things and people that I truly love in Arkansas that I’d miss dearly, and that really makes my choices hard.

Time will tell.

 

Oh yes, I forgot . . .

Per my friend Randy, I need to add to my MOVE IT MOVE IT blog post, that

I don’t pay for shit when a man takes me out!

 

I want to Move It Move It . . .

 

The past few weeks have been an interesting time for me.  Actually the last few months.  I’ve learned things about myself that I can’t divulge right now, but maybe I can later.  I learned what type of person I am and am not.  I’ve learned, thanks to some great friends (both old and new) that I am worth something, that I am beautiful and a good person.  I don’t need certain people or things or activities in my life to make me a happy person.

Things that I have blogged about (check back around the end of November and December), having a family, growing old with someone I love, and making memories of a good life have not changed.  At all.  I still want all that.  I just know that I don’t have to be a certain way or do certain things to get that.  I deserve more respect than I have asked for.

I know what it is like to be loved and to love.  To have that mutual respect and feeling on all levels.  I want that and will be waiting for that to come to me, for as long as it takes.

I have seen a side of Michael that I feel sorry for.  I can’t go into any of it, nor do I know if I ever will.  I wish him well and will never say a cross or harsh words about him in front of his boys.  They love him dearly and worship him greatly.  I thank him for the years we had together, and the boys that he gave me, and the opportunities he has given in my life.

I’ve decided that I want to Move it Move it! (yes I can’t get that song out of my head either).   I’m going to keep moving on with my life, loving those I love and doing what I love and being with those who love me.  I will give my children all the opportunities life can give.  I have learned to stop yelling at them, and listening and talking with them.  I have wonderful children and am cherishing every moment I have with them.  I will be ok.  I have learned to live and love life again.  Thank you for that.