Me

Soooo, what’s up with me?

Nothing.

The End.

Ok, ok.  I kid.  I start school today too!  I’m taking chemistry, ugh.  But it brings me closer to starting the RN-MSN program (Masters degree!) this January.   I’m excited!

Still not divorced, yeah, don’t ask.

Not dating, or going out much!   Just waiting for that someone special to be in my life!   Although I have a date with some awesome gals tonight for some wings, beer, and karoke!

What else?  I work, play Mommy, housekeeper, taxi driver, chef, and all that.  That’s my life in a nutshell!

 

I. Need. Shoes. Stat!!!

 

I have a massive urge to get a new pair of hot high heels!  If any of you want to help, I wear a size 9.5 (yeah, big feet).  I love crazy shoes!  Thanks!

I feel like in the last couple of weeks that I’ve calmed down.  I got that wild streak out of me that I’ve been doing for the last few months.  Don’t think I still don’t want to go out and have fun, cause, well if you KNOW me, I love having a blast and laughing.  But sometimes laying on your kitchen floor and laughing with your best friend is just even more fun that going out!

I know what I want in life, for my boys, for me personally as career goals, love life needs, and who I want to be, and what kind of person I want to be with.  And I won’t settle for less.  I deserve it.  I sure damn do.  And I’ll wait forever until I can get what I want!  (hello spoiled brat!)

My boys have been horrible lately.  I guess the divorce is effecting (affecting?) them, and they are showing out because of it.  I had Don put locks on my pantry door so they stop getting all the food out.  Yeah, like dumping a box of pancake mix, squeezing out all the jelly, eating all the cereal, etc .  They already cost me a bundle in groceries, but when I keep having to re-buy everything, then that adds up! 

I really reached a low point this week with them, I had to call friends to come over and help, and thankfully they rushed right over (love ya Heather and Don!) to help.  I guess I’ll go to the book store and find a parenting/divorce book for some advice.  Do any of you have any advice?  I’ll take all that I can get!

Never found my stolen stuff, except the boating tube was in the field next to me, but that’s not mine, so I really don’t care about that.  I had someone come out and mow my yard, and it looks so much nicer.  I may have him come out and do the back and trim up some more stuff this week, since I don’t have the tools to do it now.  Although I did buy a weedeater!  And a drill!  LOL!

I really want to go see my family, I’m hoping they’ll meet me in Omaha or Witchita again, it makes it easier to drive 8 hours rather than 19!!!

Other than that, I’ve been doing ok.  Have had some dissappointments, but am keeping my head up and heart full of hope.  That’s all I can do. 

 

Wednesday

 

It’s HUMP day!

I’m having a bad morning so far.  And a not so great last week or so.  Darren and I are no longer seeing one another, on his request.  It really hurt my feelings, more than I expected.  So I’ve been dealing with that.  I’m really tired of being hurt.  Tired of putting myself out there and being shut down.  Really tired of it.

I’ve had the boys all day, pretty much everyday, which has been hard.  They are constantly in my things.  I have a cedar chest my uncle made me for high school graduation, and they got into it and made a mess.  It’s full of stuff from my childhood, high school, the boys’ baby stuff.  Lots of my little trinkets and stuff are torn up.  It’s silly I know, but those things are a part of me, and it really made me mad.

I really don’t have much to say, I’m trying to stay out of a funk/depression type mood, but it’s hard.  I’ve been out to run a few times, which helps, mainly because I focus on not getting hit by cars rather than all the other things in my life.

Last night I posted a bunch of old pics from church camps and youth rallies from the 1990s (on facebook), and it was fun laughing at them and our clothing attire with old friends.

I have a $250 water bill!  ACK!  Which mine is normally around $40.  And even during this month period, we were camping for a week!  So the water peeps are coming out to see if there is a leak, and if so, I have to pay to fix it.  So I either have to fix a leak, or pay the bill.  Nice, real nice.

I still have to get a new lawn mower, I now officially live in a jungle.  UGH.

Maybe I really should move out of this house and let him have it.  Every month I keep having to put money out for stuff.  And I have an entire list of things that need to be done (weatherstripping on the door, paint, etc), but can’t afford to do it because I’m having to get a new water heater, or a lawn mower.  UGH.

Mike is coming to get the boys, so I actually get a “day” off.  Wow.  I’m going to see my dear friend Chastity, who was in a bad accident, spent a few days in ICU.  She has a long road to recovery still.  Please pray for her and her family.  Heather and I are going to Target and who knows what tonight.

I’m wanting to take the boys to the beach in August, before school starts.  I’ve been looking at places to stay in gulf shores, destin, etc.  Any suggestions?

I’m off to try to make my day better!  I forsee it starting with a starbucks!

 

April Showers Brings May Flowers

I normally really love May.  It’s my birthday month.  It’s springtime.  It’s my time. 

I’m going to get out of this funk, some way some how.  I will not become the Janet I was a few months ago.  I’m better than that. 

What does one think of during the last days before their birthday?  The last year of course.  Thankfully I have this blog to use to go back. 

First and foremost, Health.  Thank God that I have good health and so do my boys.  Besides a nasty bout of flu that had me in bed and the boys eating pizza for four nights, we have been really healthy.  I’m very grateful for that.  I know many families with children and the parents themselves severely and even terminally ill.  I am blessed with three (over ornery) healthy boys.  Very destructive boys might I add.

My job.  Thankfully last year I was able to get my RN degree and am in a position where I can work two to three days a week and support my boys, and not have to put any of them in daycare.    I do love my job, and hope to start in a Masters program within the next year.

Really, anything else, who cares?  I have a nice car, a good house, but do those things really matter?  I guess it’s a privilege to have them, but they are not needed.  I am thankful to have them though.

Of course the big news is my divorce, which is still going on (arguing over child stuff).  It sucks, but I’m over it.  He’s moved on, I’ve moved on.  It just needs to end.  It really does.

I’ll reflect more over the year and my birthday (because remember, May is all about ME).

And my Birthday is May 24th.  I never get flowers (it’s been 8 years?), love shoes (size 9.5), and large gaudy bags.  Jewelry is nice too.  Oh, and maid service. 

 

Words

Words

Cannot describe how you made me feel

Cannot paint our passion out on canvas

Cannot voice the way my heart soars when I hear your voice

Cannot illustrate the way my face smiles when I see your face

Cannot explain the depth of my feelings for you

Cannot expound upon the hope you have instilled in me

Cannot justify our actions

Cannot depict the emptiness I have without you

Cannot show how I’ve laid in bed all day crying

Cannot recount the number of times I’ve looked at my phone, waiting

Cannot display my sorrow for losing you

Cannot depict the hope that I have for your happiness, however that may be

Can heal me, slowly through time

 

 

I miss

i miss

 being a wife

having someone to ask me how my day was

having a family meal

snuggling

laying in bed with someone that loves me

holding hands

hugging

little calls throughout the day

date night

family drives

going to bed with someone

waking up next to someone

kisses throughout the day

private jokes

i love yous

being held

asking what someone want for dinner

I hate being alone.  Even with a ton of friends, I still feel lonely.

 

Reflections

 

 

My life is a continual roller coaster.  I literally am happy and soaring, the next moment I am crashing.  I know with the events in my life things are going to get worse before they can become and remain better.

I’ve done things that I’m not proud of, and if you are a close friend, then you know what I’m talking about.  After hurting another very dear person to me, I took some time to think about how and why things I do happen.   One of them is alcohol is usual involved.  I don’t drink like every night, but when I do go out , it’s usually in excess.  I’m cutting that out.  Yes, I am.  I came home and dumped out the beer I had left in in fridge.  If I go out for dinner, I’ll have a drink.  But no more of this going out, drinking 10 plus beers and tequila.  Yes, hello.  Binge drinker.  I let go of all my will power and my thought processes.  I may go out with the girls to dance, but I will not drink.  Will not.  But for now, I’m taking a hiatus on the bar/club scene.  I have too many other responsibilities to attend to.  Things i need to work on, people and relationships that need to heal, and trust to be regained.

There is so much more I want to say, but can’t.  Some things there are words to express what I want, other things there are not.   Some things I just want to bury.  Forever.

 

Peace

 

“I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace,”  Helen Keller.

I don’t if the rain has calmed me, or a great night last night.  But I feel at peace, a calmness.  Like a heavy stone has been lifted off my chest.  I wouldn’t call it being content, as there many things that I am not satisfied with.  But then again, I have no control over many things, so maybe I am content per the level of control I have?  Wow, I’m getting deep with myself. 

I have many things to be thankful for.

First, my boys.  I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t have them.  They keep it real, keep me goofy and down to earth.  I love each one of them for something special that is in each one of them.  I love seeing them learn and discover new things.  Seeing the world through their eyes just really simplifies things.

Family.  My family has been wonderful.  My parents are so supportive of me, wanting me to continue my goal of my Masters in Nursing, wanting to see me happy, and the boys be fruitful.  My sisters are just beautiful.  Ashely, poor soul, is just like me.  Loud, goofy, sarcastic, and just fun.  Stephanie is due with her first child in May, and she is just glowing!  And dear Joshua.  Sigh, protecting his big sister, telling the dudes to back the F*** off from me.  What love.  What love.

Friends.  I’ve made such good friends in the last few months.  I have friends from years ago (back in the day, ya know!) so are supportive and listen.  One from the last few years who I’ve gone to school with and entered a new career with, and have strengthen our friendship by bringing our children together for playtime.  And the ones from the recent months, who many have also recently gone through a divorce with children.  They all have enforced and reiterated my strengths to me.  Have made me a stronger person, have been concerned for me and my happiness.  They really do care.  And I must say, I haven’t laughed as hard in all my life as I do when I’m with them!  I love y’all!

My job.  I really am blessed.  I am able to work 5 days in a 14 day period and am able to support my household.  So I am able to be a stay at home Mom during the week with the boys, and yet still work.  I love what I do, and like to think I’m good at it.  I know I don’t know everything in my job, by no means, but I look to each day as an opportunity to ask questions and learn new things.

Michael.  Yes, are you surprised?  Without him I wouldn’t have many of the things and people above.  Having him allows me the time to go out with my friends and to work.  He is able to take the boys for me.  I am blessed that the boys have him, as they love him dearly.  We do fight many days, ok, maybe not fight, but get testy with one another, but I think for the most part, we do try to get along.  The whole divorce and dating thing is a bit odd for us yet, since it is all still new.  I hope our friendship and our parenting only grows over the years.

I think the boys are asleep.  The dogs have been out.  I’m going to open my bedroom window, get a book and read myself to sleep.  Oh, with some hot chocolate (don’t forget the marshmallows).  *Deep Breath* Exhale*Sigh*  Goodnight All.

 

I hate the snow

 

This is my first visit to Western Nebraska since October 2004.  I’ve seen my Parents and sister Ashley several times over the years, either meeting in Wichita or they came to see me.  It was hard to get away while I was in school, and harder to travel with three boys.

I’ve been blessed with a job that I am now able to take off for a week and really not miss work, so of course I decided that spring break would be a good time to go visit.

Since my separation and pending divorce, people have asked me several times if I am going to move back home.  I don’t know, and still don’t know.

As I was leaving Hot Springs, and driving up highway 270, I found a peacefulness in the hills and curvy roads, they endless trees and small towns.   I thought, this is my home now.

I love living in Hot Springs.  I love my house.  There are 4 houses on our street, the three on the lake and mine.  It’s small, needs some work, but I love it.  The boys can play outside and for the most part don’t have to worry about traffic.  But believe me, those that speed down my road get an earful from me.  The landscapers and other service people for the homes at the end of the road know not to race down our road.  One of the homes at the end have security come through several times a day.  We have a great spot on the lake for our boat, a dock we can go hang out on.

The boys love their school.  We were blessed to be able to get an affordable home in one of the best school districts around.  The teachers and staff have been wonderful in all aspects of Brennens and Zacharys time there.    Go RAMS!

I love my job.  I’ve been around enough to know that no matter where you work, there will be bad things and good things.   There will be great people and bad people to work with.  You just need to know how to deal with them.  Thankfully in all my years of  management training and advance training, I learned how to deal with people and not let it bother me.  I am blessed to have a job, where I only work 2 days a week and can support my family.   I also am able to pick up extra shifts if I need to.  I float in the hospital, so I am able to learn many things and advance all my skills.  I really truly love it.  And most of the time, I really enjoy everyone I work with, they all have great aspects to them.  Most important, I have made wonderful friends there who have been so supportive to me during the last year.  Heather, Karen, LindsEy, Francesca, Heather, Wendy, Carissa, Megan, and many others.  I love you all!

I love the seasons in Hot Springs.  I don’t care for the winter, it’s cold and gray.  But the rest of the year is fantastic!  I love the lake, it’s so beautiful.  We are blessed with wonderful scenery.  I know there are many places I have not seen, and intend to visit many this summer.

I’ve learned that I feel good after I workout, and have started to enjoy running.  Granted, I can’t go very far without my legs and lungs feeling like they are on fire.  But we are working on that.  I’m going to buy a bike and a bike rack here soon, so the boys and I can take advantage of the many biking areas.

Scottsbluff.  It’s a great place to raise young kids.  A small close knit town.  As I drove through, I noticed not much has changed.  Many of the businesses have the same signage they did years ago.  Some buildings have a fresh coat of paint, or have been changed into a totally different business.  But it’s all the same.  The speed limit on all the roads is 25 mph.  Yes, that kills me.

It’s been wonderful to see my family.  I haven’t seen Stephanie or Josh since 2004.  Stephanie is still with her boyfriend Doyle, who I only spoke with once years ago, to chew his ass out for dating my sister.  We’ve made amends, and I see that my sister is happy and he takes good care of her.  That’s all I care about.  They are expecting a baby boy in May.  I’m so excited for them!

Josh is still Josh.  Works for my Dad.  We have had a great time together.  I don’t think he realized how cool his big Sis was!   He is great with the boys, and they absolutely love him!  He has two dogs, Cashmere and Domino, that he has trained like little children.  It’s too cute!

Ashley, well is Ashley.  She is loud like me, sarcastic like me, and a goof like me.  How is the world handling two of us?  She is still in school and still dating Chris, who adores her.  The WNCC Cougars didn’t make it to the basketball finals this year.  Hopefully she’ll get to go next year!

My Mom and Dad are still the same.  I love them both and they have been so supportive of me.

The boys cry for their Dad at night.  When we are at home, they ask for their Dad during the week and I can drive them over to his work so see him.  They don’t understand how far away we are from him and we can’t just drive over to see him.  That’s been hard for me here.  I don’t want to deprive them of anything, much less their Dad.

I won’t make an official decision on moving until closer to the end of my divorce.  I need to focus on my Kids right now.  But there are many things and people that I truly love in Arkansas that I’d miss dearly, and that really makes my choices hard.

Time will tell.

 

Oh yes, I forgot . . .

Per my friend Randy, I need to add to my MOVE IT MOVE IT blog post, that

I don’t pay for shit when a man takes me out!