I have a confession. I’m not a good SAHM. Actually past the 2nd day in a row, I am going nuts. I’m not good at doing arts and crafts with my kids, I’m not good at teaching them. I love staying at home, by myself. In a quiet house. Maybe if I didn’t work at night, and needed sleep during the day, I wouldn’t mind so much.
This last week was hard. I normally work Thursday night, have the Baby on Friday (the other two are in school and preschool), and can nap during the day, without worrying about him getting into things. However, we had a lovely “snow” day, which it never really stuck, but everything closed anyhow. So I had to manage some type of sleep with all three at home. I’ve resorted to sleeping in the hallway, while the boys are in their rooms. If I try to sleep on the couch or my room, I zonk out, and they make a mad mad mess. For example, I did fall asleep at one point on the couch, and they managed to eat an entire box of pop-tarts in 45 minutes. Next time I dosed off, I found them in my room with a bag of chips and cereal.
By the time I work Friday night, try to recover Saturday, with all three boys, I’m just worn out, have no patience for them. I’m too tired for play, too tired to cook, too tired for noise. In all this I have to find time to clean, laundry, cook, and study.
Due to monetary reasons, we have to pull the Man out of his preschool. At least for now. I have 2.5 more months of school, and since I’m doing this for the second time, I really really need to study and pass, so I have to keep my work hours down. I feel bad for him, he goes to a lovely place, he loves his friends and his teacher. I’m worried about my nerves, having both the Man and the Baby at home with me. I tend to act out of anger instead of whatever other way I should react.
I yell, spank, and sometimes just scare my kids, but I don’t mean to. I just get tired and stressed out from them. I’ve tried reading those mommy training books (super-nanny, anyone?), but frankly there’s no time! I try positive reinforcement, but am not a gusher. I don’t want to be a mom that my kids grow up to hate. I want them to have fond memories of being a kid and of me. Perhaps when I’m done with school, and the financial stress is off us, and I don’t have to study, things will be better.
I just feel like I’m always yelling at my kids. “don’t hit your brother”, “why do you have a box of cereal in your room”, “clean this up”, “go to sleep”, “who colored on the wall”, “why did you cut his hair”, “who broke my necklace”, “who pulled all this mess out”??? But I go out and see other moms, they are all so sing song like to their kids. Is it a facade? Is this how they act in public? Heck, if my kid acts up in public, they get a flick on the ear, smack on the butt, hand or whatever.
I know I can’t be the only one that feels like this. I know there are other moms who aren’t feeling their Mrs. Cleaver coming out. If any of my few readers, or those lurking have any help ideas, I’m open to any and all. I may even try to squeeze in a good parenting book.