Lists

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I have a million and one lists of things in my head going on.  Budgets, what I need for the house, things that need to be done, things to transfer, file, fold, etc, etc, etc. 

 

I don’t know exactly where I am mentally right now.  The divorce isn’t a shock.  He had already said it to someone else in a text message.  And someone told me he said it on his my-space (thanks for the tip), so I think mentally I was already prepared.

 

I’m educated, have a great paying  job with great hours.  I can do this.  I know I can.  One of my friends who is dealing with the same stuff, went to a therapist today, and she said it helped a bunch.  I think I’ll call tomorrow and make an appointment (adding to the lists).

 

One thing that gets me, is he said that he can’t make me happy.   I never said I wasn’t happy, nor was I not happy with him.  I wasn’t happy with the lack of family activities we had together, or quality time spent.  When I asked how he was going to financially make it, he said that as long as he could pay his bills and have enough food for the boys when they came over, he’d be happy.  Ironic.  He had all that here.  He had to move across the road to discover THAT’S what makes him happy?  The only difference I see is that I’m out of the equation.  He said he’s trying not to hurt me anymore than he already has. So perhaps he’s saying that HE’s not happy to protect me?  Maybe I’m the one with the issues?  Who knows.  It doesn’t matter now. 

 

I’m having a hard time explaining to the boys why Mom and Dad aren’t in the same house, or why I can’t stay with them at their Dad’s.  They are too young to understand this.  One thing I always told myself, is that I didn’t want my kids to have to deal with divorce.  I hate this for them.  I make sure I hug and hold each one several times a day, and tell them that I love them very much.  (fuck, I’m crying).  I hate all this.  I hate thinking that if I ever date again, and the relationship develops into marriage, that they’d have to deal with a step-dad. 
What ever happened to always and forever?  Til death do us part?  I guess I missed the part in our vows that said, until I get bored with you.  I hate that I can’t call and talk. I hate the fact that I don’t have someone to hug and hold me at night and give me a kiss, or ask me how my day was.  I hate always having to be thinking of everyone else, and there is no one to ask about me.

 

How can you be with someone for 7.5 years and just walk away without even trying?  Without seeing a therapist, talking it out?  Just giving up.  I met him the week I moved here.  He worked at my restaurant.   He took my on a date, and told the waitress that I was trying to divorce him then.  It was funny then.  Not so much now.  There soon after (the next week), he ended up spending time in the hospital, almost 6 weeks in fact.  I was there for him every night, except for two when I had inventory at the store and one night for  a bachelorette party.  lol, I tried to break up with him then.  How funny.  When he got out we moved in together and had been together ever since.   So much for always and forever.

 

I really truly do feel lonely.  I have my few in real life friends, and my on-line pals, who all check on me.  But at night like this, when everyone is at home with their families, I sit here and cry alone.   As much as a tough face I put on, I really do hurt inside.   (funny how my posts go from one extreme to another, eh?)   Food isn’t good anymore.  TV is blah.  I can’t concentrate on my book (damn lists).  I just sit and stare into space.  I think about starting a fire, but have no desire to get up and actually do it.  The Internet isn’t interesting anymore.  I just don’t know what to do with myself. 

 

Except to sit and cry.

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6 responses »

  1. Sitting and crying are OKAY! You will be okay. I used to go to this pond and lay on the dock and cry so loud the birds would fly away and pound on the wood dock til my hands hurt. But nobody could hear me and I could just let it all out real loud. I go leave my problems out there. It helped.

    xoxoxo

  2. Reading your post was like reading my diary 4 years ago……….very scarey. The raw feeling the unanswered questions…. Needless to say he never could/would answer them. But I did begin to live again and love again. I am getting married this Saturday to a wonderful man that will be a FABULOUS step dad. Take time for you, cry and just never give up on you. (((((HUGS))))))))

  3. This is a bad time for you and the kids but you are a strong person I already told ya that. Janet you can do anything. I am here and so are all the rest of your friends! I am sorry to hear you are sad but that feeling will go away soon (I hope). We will pray for you and yours

  4. Hang in there. You sound like a very strong woman and your kids will need that. Take one day at a time and tell yourself that each week will be a bit better. Because eventually, it will.

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