A new-old friend has asked me several times this last week what I want. No, not for dinner (the never ending battle, ugh). But what I, as a person, a single mother of 3 want. WOW. I have never thought about it. But after thinking about it, reflecting, checking my insight and prior (lack) of judgement of people and such, I’ve come to a few thoughts.
1. I’m very needy. (No, not nerdy). Since I was in high school at good ol’ SHS, I have had a boyfriend, pretty much lived with one. I had my first apartment in the Bluff when I was 18, attending WNCC, and my boyfriend (like 4 years older than me), stayed with me most nights. Then we split and I moved in with what would be my first ex-husband (yeah, shock, shock for those of you not in the know). After him, I moved in (then he moved in with me) a co-worker friend with benefits. After him, I spent three months living on my own, then moved here to the Springs. Of course, I met Mike the first day I was here, and about two weeks after, we were always together.
In that, the last 7.5 years to be exact, I think we got too comfy with one another and lost that need and yearning for one another. I want that. I want to be wanted. To know that when I am with that special someone, it is I that he is thinking of (especially in bed together). I want those surprise text messages that make me smile. I want surprise gifts. I want to be loved and to love back. I want to smile, truly out of joy and excitement each day. I want to hold one another like I was in the early years of our marriage all night. I want to be appreciated and to have someone to appreciate back.
I can honestly say that with each and every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve been true to that one person. I have barely looked or thought of another man in the last 7.5 years in a way that shouldn’t be done by a married women (well, minus the half naked men on my blog, but for my argument sake, there are half naked women too).
I want someone to tell me the truth, not what I want to hear. If I ask how an outfit is, or how to wear my hair, I want to know what that person really likes and thinks. And as said in several posts before, I want to grow old with someone, to have stories to share. I want passion, memories that I can hold and pass on, and cherish each day.
But in all this, I also want to be myself. I’m going out Saturday night, and the last time I can remember going out (besides my recent move trips) was to my RN class party (which I remember a certain someone being an ass to me). Before that, hmmm, maybe the class party the year before that. I have forgotten how much I love music, to read, and learn things. Which is partly due to being in nursing school, you tend to lose all habits besides reading how the bowels make shit. :0)
I am needy. I do want all these things, and need to convince myself I deserve these things. I don’t care to be rich, just comfortable, not having to stress over financial issues. I want my boys to be happy, trusting and loving, and non DESTRUCTIVE (which I’m currently failing at teaching them). I want to get my Masters in Nursing. I am smart, excellent at my job (and love it) and I can do it.
I go to a therapist to talk things out in Janurary. Hopefully he or she will help me redirect myself and help me cope and move on. I do have a life to live.