So apparently I was full of shit. And then I get a call that I have an abnormal pap smear. Great. Doc J wants to see me for a biopsy, wooohoooo. I get to get naked again! I get to sit an a freezing cold room, with a beautiful colored plum half sheet across my lap, a warm heat lamp on my goodies!
So once again, I go in. I was smart this time. First, I was smart enough not to damage poor Timmy’s innocence by bringing him with me again, thankfully Mike was able to take off work and watch him. Second, I wore a dress, hehe. All I must do it take of my panties, no undressing needed! Wow, I’m BRRRRRILLLANT! Doc comes in and sets up, tells me he wants to take a look and see what he finds. He will insert the wonderful giant ice cold metal clamp into me, swab me with vinegar (why am I imagining a vagina salad??) and thus any abnormal cells will turn white. I call it vagina paint by numbers, well without the number part. How about vagina bite by color? Ok, yes, I know that it’s not my vagina he’s checking out (gosh, I hope not, eww), but rather my cervix, but alas not all readers may know they are equipped with a cervix (uh, if you have a dick, then you do NOT have this piece, so do not rush to your local clinic to have your cervix checked out), since it is not so readily available.
This is me waiting, with the pretty plum colored sheet across my lap, don’t I look THRILLED?
Anyhow, I get swabbed and crap! Vinegar burns! He tells me to relax and spread my legs open more, yeah I know, the one time in my life I do keep them closed! He informs me he is going to take some little “BITES” and send them off. BITES my ASS. Imagine someone taking a pair of nail clippers to a delicate part of your body (inside your cheek, your nuts, your cervix, get it?) and clipping! FRACK! It hurts! And the deeper he goes, the less he can see, despite the use of the colposcope (a microscope made for vaginas), the more the bite hurts! Finally after getting samples he is done.
Doc says, “Try not to stick anyone or anything up in there for a few days.” Geez Doc, I’ll try not to, but ya’know, when I run I tend to fall on things and they end up in there! Gosh!
It takes about a week for the samples to be processed, and I hate waiting!
I already know the results and there will be a part 3, stay tuned . . .