Yes, I’m blue. Depresssion. A pretty good one at that. I never thought I’d be one of “those” people. But I am. I’m on medication, in fact we’ve doubled it. Ha, how’s that for kicks and giggles? I don’t know exactly how I got to this point, and I’m not sure yet how to get out of it. It’s hard. I want to sleep all day. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to do anything. Except lay under a blanket and sleep. And that’s hard to do when you have small children that depend on you.
And that’s one of my issues. Everyone needs me. My kids, my patients, my friends. But I need to be taken care of too. I have needs, I have wants. I want to be taken care of. I have no support, minus a couple of close friends. I have no family close by to help. My ex is busy with work.
I cry everyday. Sometimes all day, sometimes just at night. I don’t know exactly why I cry. I just do. I guess maybe because I never thought I’d be twice divorced with three kids. Not really a life goal you know.
I do know that I need to do something. Actually many things to get better, to become who I can be, and what I should be. Some of these things will hurt, emotionally, my ego, my pocketbook, and who knows what else, but these are things I must face. To quit hiding and just deal.
Like I said during nursing school, when people always said, “I don’t know how you work full time and take care of three kids and study.” Really, I didn’t think about it. It’s something that needed to be done, and so I just did it. I need to go back to that. There are things that need to be done, and I just need to do it.
I need to let go. I need to move on. I need to find myself, who I know I found at least once this year.
I had contact with a friend the other night, that wanted to go out, but as fun as the idea sounded, I’m not the person I was at the beginning of this year. I’m not the person he knows. I’ve changed several times since then. I’m changing now.
Thoughts, memories, hopes and dreams will always be in my heart, but I cannot sit and wait for hopes and dreams. I must face reality. The truth. I need to pull myself out. I need to be brave and climb out of my covers. As someone said on my blog and a friend said tonight, I need to stop looking and waiting for what’s not there.