Tag Archives: depression

As the World Turns

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It’s amazing to scroll back through my old blog posts … and see how much I’ve grown and changed over the years.  I’ve made some posts private, but did leave many of the ones where I poured my heart and soul out.  Dealing with a divorce and depression is difficult, and I hope maybe someone will scroll across them … and find encouragement and strength.

It’s awesome to look back things I said … wanting to teach, getting my Bachelor’s and then my Master’s degree.  I’m doing all that.  Yes, I’m living my dream!  I’ve been teaching nursing, this being my fourth year … and I love it.  I have my Master’s degree (December 2015), and now I am enrolled and working on my Doctorate of Education.

My husband and I have been blessed in our home (did an expansion for more rooms!) and travel (we LOVE cruising).  The kids are amazing …

No, my life isn’t peaches all the time.  But I wouldn’t change it any … well, of course … I would always take more shoes and purses! 🙂

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Depression . . .

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Let me update you on my emotional life . . .

If you read back to my post (around late 2008 onward), you can see I really fought a battle.  Thankfully, I had enough insight to see my Doc about it, and though some talking and different meds, I found one that helped me.  I take cymbalta, the pretty green and blue pill.  It has helped.  I can tell when I don’t take it for sure.  I would have to say that I’m not depressed, but like those in AA who have been sober for years – still call themselves alcoholics.  I would still say I have depression.  It’s kinda silly, but that’s how I see it.  I feel happy in my life (except the annoying battles with the ex), and try to be positive about things.  

I can tell when I don’t take it.  I tend to get in the mood to sit in the dark and do nothing but sleep all day.  So with the help of my husband, and a little Sunday through Saturday pill-box, I mostly remember to take it!

It helps to have others who know what depression is, knowing how that feeling of hopelessness and not wanting to do anything just lingers.  It’s great to talk about it, and know you aren’t alone (wow, I sound like a commercial).

So if you feel like you are depressed, please seek help.  See a therapist, find a friend, see your doctor.  I know most people don’t want to “be on drugs” . . . but believe me, there are more on them that you know.  LOL, and many who NEED it! 🙂

But remember always, to love yourself . . . no matter what. 

Blue

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Yes, I’m blue.  Depresssion.  A pretty good one at that.  I never thought I’d be one of “those” people.  But I am.  I’m on medication, in fact we’ve doubled it.  Ha, how’s that for kicks and giggles?  I don’t know exactly how I got to this point, and I’m not sure yet how to get out of it.  It’s hard.  I want to sleep all day.  I don’t want to eat.  I don’t want to blog.  I don’t want to do anything.  Except lay under a blanket and sleep.  And that’s hard to do when you have small children that depend on you.

And that’s one of my issues.  Everyone needs me.  My kids, my patients, my friends.  But I need to be taken care of too.  I have needs, I have wants.  I want to be taken care of.  I have no support, minus a couple of close friends.  I have no family close by to help.  My ex is busy with work. 

I cry everyday.  Sometimes all day, sometimes just at night.  I don’t know exactly why I cry.  I just do.  I guess maybe because I never thought I’d be twice divorced with three kids.  Not really a life goal you know. 

I do know that I need to do something.  Actually many things to get better, to become who I can be, and what I should be.  Some of these things will hurt, emotionally, my ego, my pocketbook, and who knows what else, but these are things I must face.  To quit hiding and  just deal. 

Like I said during nursing school, when people always said, “I don’t know how you work full time and take care of three kids and study.”   Really, I didn’t think about it.  It’s something that needed to be done, and so I just did it.  I need to go back to that.  There are things that need to be done, and I just need to do it.

I need to let go.  I need to move on.  I need to find myself, who I know I found at least once this year.

I had contact with a friend the other night, that wanted to go out, but as fun as the idea sounded, I’m not the person I was at the beginning of this year.  I’m not the person he knows.  I’ve changed several times since then.  I’m changing now.

Thoughts, memories, hopes and dreams will always be in my heart, but I cannot sit and wait for hopes and dreams.  I must face reality.  The truth.  I need to pull myself out.  I need to be brave and climb out of my covers.   As someone said on my blog and a friend said tonight, I need to stop looking and waiting for what’s not there. 

 

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Please Pray for Me

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I feel myself sinking back into a depression again.  I don’t want to go back that way.  I was feeling and doing so well, so happy and free feeling.  This has nothing to do with Mike and the divorce.   I have strong, deep feelings for another person, who for various reasons I cannot be with.  I told him that and am trying to let him go, but with that is my heart and my happiness.  

Is it silly that one’s happiness evolves being with someone?   That I cannot be the happy, fun person I was without someone?  Does that make me needy?  I really don’t know.  I feel like shuttin gmyself off from everyone, so I don’t get hurt, so I don’t have people leave me, there won’t be any feelings to be spared.

I need to find that person, strong, funny, organized (that one is really lost), beautiful Janet.  I know she is in here somewhere.

I cleaned my shower

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Yes, that’s a big step for me.  I really can’t tell you when I last cleaned it. 

I went to the doctor yesterday morning, and he put me on Celexa.  Yes, I’m feeling blue.  This and other things are making things at home rough.   We all are taking it a day at a time.  I may or may not speak of this later, but wanted to let you know.  I think this is why I haven’t felt like blogging much.

Say some good thoughts for us.